peace&niche

As April draws towards its close and May is on the horizon, I have been doing some reflecting on what this month has revealed about myself. A significant realization has been my tendency to use work, or the phrase “I’m too busy,” as a convenient excuse to put off truly enjoying my life.

It might sound a bit odd, but I often find myself Googling things like, “Should I feel guilty for not working on the weekends?” I think I have been looking for external validation, just to reassure myself that it is perfectly normal not to catch up on tasks or get a head start on the week ahead during what should be downtime. The simple truth, which frankly just clicked for me, is that weekends are, by definition, not meant for working – and I have every right to embrace that without a shred of guilt.

This past weekend really put this into perspective. I made a conscious effort to completely disconnect from work. No emails, no work computer. And yes, when my work phone buzzed a couple of times, there was that familiar, unsettling wave of anxiety and guilt. But I chose to resist it. Instead, I allowed myself the simple pleasure of a long stroll through the arboretum and with my film camera, a passion and pastime I have put on the back burner.

That time away felt genuinely restorative. It created space to step back and see things more clearly, reminding me that life is vast and multifaceted, far beyond the confines of my job, even though I never consciously intended my life to revolve around it. Walking around, observing people, capturing moments through my camera lens – it felt like it brought a piece of my own humanity back into focus. We are all just fellow humans navigating the same path, sharing experiences that connect us. It highlighted how the demanding pace and frequent isolation often seen in American work culture truly deprives us of that sense of shared humanity and connection.

Perhaps this tendency to immerse myself in work is also a way to avoid confronting more profound, existential questions – such as my life’s purpose, why I am here, or what it truly means to live authentically.

For a long time, the goal felt like it was the work itself – the titles, the resume building, the external markers of success. The guilt about not working on weekends was tied to this belief. But this month, that paradigm shifted. I have realized, with a clarity that feels both daunting and liberating, that work, chasing titles, resumes… none of that is my ultimate goal.

It might sound dramatic, but when my mom asked how I felt about turning 32, I told her, honestly, that I felt like crying. She asked why, and I explained this overwhelming feeling of running out of time to truly live my most authentic life. It is not that I am ungrateful for the life I have now, not at all. Instead, it is this conflicting, internal pull towards changing course entirely – shifting my goals away from seeking external validation through titles and resumes towards cultivating a life that feels deeply fulfilling and true to myself. 

Of course, the overachiever in me naturally wants to believe I can effortlessly juggle both deep introspection and relentless productivity. However, my past has shown me that this path often leads straight to burnout and exhaustion. As I settle into my thirties, I am being much more careful, slowly but surely shedding that identity so tightly tied to work, and leaning into this new path, even with the internal conflict it brings.